


Who's Asking

by sunflowerwonder



Category: Homestuck
Genre: (sort of) Sadstuck, Gen, Implied Alpha Dave Strider/Rose Lalonde, Pesterlog, and they have two stupidly flawless conversations, in which a futuristic boy contacts his long dead guardian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-08
Updated: 2013-07-08
Packaged: 2017-12-18 02:38:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/874706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflowerwonder/pseuds/sunflowerwonder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <b>TG: lets say i humor you</b>
  <br/><b>TG: and lets pretend all this junk theatrically spewing from your inarticulate mouth like the niagara falls of bullshit is actually legit</b>
  <br/><b>TG: what the hell do you want from me</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who's Asking

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Español available: [Quien pregunta (Traducción autorizada)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2043159) by [turntechTestified7](https://archiveofourown.org/users/turntechTestified7/pseuds/turntechTestified7)



> Hi, I'm not dead! I've actually been busy friendleading Team Alpha!Dave/Dirk in the Homestuck World Cup and just haven't had time to post anything. I did this to take a creative break from it, though. Enjoy it until I can get my dumb stories updated!

\--timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]\--  
TT: Yo. Is this Dave?  
TG: depends on whos asking  
TG: if youre a second rate aspiring actor im going to have to transfer you to one of my nonexistent talent scouts as soon as i pull a fake number out of my ass  
TG: if youre a stalker whos somehow miraculously managed to obtain my chumhandle then im gonna have to transfer you to the police  
TG: if youre a one night stand i was too hungover to remember but still left my number to  
TG: sup  
TG: wanna make it a two night stand  
TT: And if I don’t fit into any of these previously disclosed options?  
TG: then youre either rose or earlier mentioned stalker  
TG: funny how the line between them is extremely fucking thin  
TT: Well I’m certainly not Rose.  
TT: Though from reading into the context of this I can deduce she’s quite the character.  
TG: thats the understatement of the goddamn millennium  
TT: Regardless, let’s say I’m a one night stand. For conversation’s sake.  
TG: but youre not  
TT: No, I’m not.  
TG: but youd like to be  
TT: No, I wouldn’t.  
TG: then youre lookin for something stable  
TT: I don’t believe I’m looking for anything at all.  
TG: you do know playing hard to get only works when i actually care enough to pursue you  
TG: which happens once every ten thousand years when the stars are perfectly aligned in the most ironic and fuckin cliche way possible  
TG: its a pretty big deal dude they even hold a ceremony its like an entire celebration in my honor to worship the day dave strider actually gave a fuck  
TG: though last time it happened i found out the chick was a lesbian  
TG: and also my paradoxical genetic slime sister  
TG: not my finest moment ill confess  
TG: but yeah point is not interested  
TT: I can assure you that even if you wanted to get in my pants, which I can guarantee like everyone else you eventually will, that it won’t be happening anytime soon.  
TG: hold the fucking presses looks like i left out an option after all  
TG: all perfect syntax trolls who simply got my number to try and bore me to death can formally go fuck themselves  
TT: I can assure you I’m not a troll. In both the literal and figurative sense.  
TG: uh huh  
TT: Well maybe a bit on the figurative. I was entitled to my obnoxious preteen days just like everyone else.  
TT: However, I’ve come to talk to you of more important matters.  
TG: actually i think ive left some i could care less bread in the oven topped with just a tad of fuck off  
TG: dont wanna leave those buns burning  
TT: Cute.  
TG: oh yeah im just fuckin adorable over here  
TG: you can keep it up with the compliments that are in no way underhanded jabs  
TG: sure know how to woo a man out of his panties  
TT: I’m starting to see why you have a reputation for being a bit of a dick.  
TG: its a talent  
TG: but yeah its been real its been fun but not real fun so I think ill catch you later  
TG: using catch you later in a polite way of course because im changing my chumhandle right the fuck now  
TG: downright shame too i really liked this one  
TT: Then don’t. Like I said, I’m simply here to chat.  
TT: And rest assured I can simply hack your account and find your new username, so there’s no use in avoiding me.  
TT: It would be a piece of cake.  
TT: A piece of shitty boxed cake.  
TT: A piece of shitty boxed cake marketed by a powerful, conniving empress hoping to permanently abolish the world in a maelstrom of Gushers and hatred with only you and your former incestuous love-interest to stop her.  
TT: Oh yes, I know all about that.  
TT: Want to talk now, dude?  
TG: who the fuck are you  
TT: Relax, I’m on your side.  
TG: tell me who you are  
TT: Hm.  
TG: what the hell is hm supposed to mean  
TT: Let’s call me “Bro” for the time being, sound good?  
TG: oh thats fucking helpful  
TT: I’m here to be of assistance in other ways.  
TG: ugh  
TG: how much do you know *bro*  
TT: Enough.  
TG: real descriptive jackass  
TT: Enough to know that your next movie is going to fall behind schedule unless you quit procrastinating on your script. Enough to know that the batterwitch has already prepared a counter measure to it. Enough to know she’s a nine foot tall scaly grey sea monster-esque Hitler with way too much fucking hair.  
TG: so someone tipped you off on the condesce so what  
TT: Enough to know that your god-awful fuckin’ shades were a gift from Ben Stiller. Enough to know that you order your white chocolate mocha Frappuccino blended with java chips and peppermint syrup like a prissy hipster boy. Enough to know that you wear bright red Armani boxers.  
TG: you can pick that tabloid shit up on any streetcorner  
TT: Enough to know that you collect Con Air memorabilia because you feel like something’s missing in your life. Enough to know Rose is the only person alive you’ve ever actually truly cared about. Enough to know that you fear for the safety of two unborn children you can’t even be sure are even coming to Earth.  
TG: what the hell  
TT: Enough to know that your younger brother is a robotics genius, as well as an all-around prodigy.  
TG: i dont have a brother  
TT: Enough to know that you’re going to name him Dirk.  
\--turntechGodhead [TG] has blocked timaeusTestified [TT]\--

\--timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]\--  
\--turntechGodhead [TG] has blocked timaeusTestified [TT]\--

\--timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]\--  
\--turntechGodhead [TG] has blocked timaeusTestified [TT]\--

\--timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]\--  
\--turntechGodhead [TG] has blocked timaeusTestified [TT]\--

\--timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]\--  
TT: It appears you're not immediately blocking me.  
TT: Mulled over my words any? I’d love to be able to uphold a conversation with you that doesn’t equate the mental capacity of a couple of thirteen year olds.  
TG: tell me what you know  
TG: now  
TT: Well would you look at that. I was expecting at least two weeks before your perfidious curiosity got the better of you. Though I suppose two days is a bit more productive for everyone.  
TG: dont get smart with me just tell me what you know about dirk  
TT: I assure you I’m not being shrewd to be distasteful.  
TT: However, I’m rather intrigued by the fact that you’re more interested in what I know about Dirk rather than how I know of him.  
TT: Is there a mild sense of desperation laced within your simple sentences, Dave?  
TG: shut up  
TG: i will call the cops on you so fucking fast you goddamn bastard  
TG: youre a fucking stalker  
TT: Stalker is a bit harsh, don’t you think?  
TT: Especially considering all my information is simply what has been given to me by your own self in the distant future.  
TG: oh damn fucking bullshit right there  
TT: Is there something wrong?  
TG: for a second you had me goin along with you and then you pulled the shitty sci fi twist  
TT: You’re Earth’s last fucking stand from an evil alien heiress and you’re skeptical of the possibility of time travel?  
TG: yeah but batterbitch over here is something i can physically see and/or beat the shit out of  
TG: nobodys mentioned any time shit to me and lets keep it that way  
TT: Oh, I highly doubt you take no interest in time. I’ve heard reports that it’s almost a passion of yours.  
TT: Or rather, an obsession.  
TG: how do you know all this  
TT: I told you, it’s been given to me via video diary from future Dave Strider himself. Though I suppose he’s past Dave Strider from my perspective.  
TT: Then again you could have no fuckin’ idea what I’m talking about presently, meaning this the point in the timeline in which I reveal the importance of you creating such tapes, therefore causing a paradox and allowing me to access the information I have now in order to contact you.  
TT: So yeah, in the spirit of not creating a disparaging time vortex, do that.  
TG: but how does this time shit even work eh  
TG: highly doubt you can just choose a random point in my life and just go  
TG: hey  
TG: lets fuck with a famous dude from a couple centuries ago just for shits and giggles  
TG: see what happens  
TG: how is that even possible  
TT: Shenanigans.  
TT: But, in all honesty, you’re not far off the bullseye of the metaphorical target of understanding the timeline mechanics available to me. Though like we already established, your mind is practically hardwired to understand time.  
TG: it just interests me thats all you act like i get off on it  
TT: While I’d surely enjoy debating with you of the validity of that statement, let’s get back onto the topic at hand, shall we?  
TG: okay fine  
TG: lets say i humor you  
TG: and lets pretend all this junk theatrically spewing from your inarticulate mouth like the niagara falls of bullshit is actually legit  
TG: what the hell do you want from me  
TT: I  
TT: I want  
TT: Give me a minute.  
TG: dont blow your brain cells there dude  
TG: you were mister talk my ass off like two fucking seconds ago  
TT: I cease my loquacious tendencies when I actually have something important to say.  
TG: well hurry up and lay it on me  
TG: tick tock bro  
TG: time is dead seconds i could have spent being an unproductive member of society that wasnt chatting with you  
TT: Okay, fine. Just hang the fuck on.  
TT: I want to relay a message.  
TG: okay from who  
TG: this some prophecy shit i should be grabbing a pen for  
TG: do i need to rearrange my appointments because ive got an interview at two and obviously there is some serious apollo worthy stuff about to go down  
TT: It’s from,  
TT: It’s from Dirk.  
TG: wait youre in contact with him  
TT: You could say that, yes.  
TG: wow thats totally not sketchy sounding at all  
TT: Just shut your imbecilic mouth for one goddamn second, okay?  
TT: He says he loves you.  
TG: does he now  
TT: And that he’s proud of you.  
TG: he shouldnt be  
TT: And that he’s sorry that he can’t be with you right now.  
TG: its not his fault  
TT: Because he wants to be there more than anything.  
TT: More than fucking anything you have no idea.  
TG: hey you okay  
TG: bro  
TT: And that he’s lonely and scared and sad and depressed and you’re going to die and there’s nothing he can to because he’s stuck in the fucking future with nothing but a box full of stupid shitty videos you made for him and he’s sorry so goddamn sorry that he can’t do anything and he’s never met you but he loves you and you don’t even know.  
TT: He loves you so much, Dave.  
TT: I’m sorry I fucked this up. This was a mistake.  
TG: wait  
TT: I love you.  
\--timaeusTestified [TT] has disconnected!--  
TG: hold up  
TG: bro  
TG: kid  
TG: dirk?  
TG: goddammit  
TG: dirk  
TG: fuck  
\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]\--  
\--The chumhandle timaeusTestified [TT] doesn’t exist at this time--  
TG: dirk please  
\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]\--  
\--The chumhandle timaeusTestified [TT] doesn’t exist at this time--  
TG: please answer me  
\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]\--  
\--The chumhandle timaeusTestified [TT] doesn’t exist at this time--  
TG: please  
\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]\--  
\--The chumhandle timaeusTestified [TT] doesn’t exist at this time--  
TG: just  
TG: be safe  
\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]\--  
\--The chumhandle timaeusTestified [TT] doesn’t exist at this time--  
TG: i love you too  
\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]\--


End file.
